There’s a moment in every mother’s life when reality hits. We are the ones primarily responsible for the safety and well-being of another human. A tiny human. A fragile human. A human who needs to learn how to be human from us.
This alone is enough to make you stress out about all the tiny details and to feel on edge every time they cry. And for some of us, that fear doesn’t just show up as ordinary worry. It shows up as scary, unwanted thoughts we’re too ashamed to say out loud.
Why I’m Writing About Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts
I’ve been a mental health speaker for the last nine years and, in that time, I’ve shared my story of struggle and anxiety as a teenager countless times with young people. Every single presentation, no matter if I’m in California or New York, speaking to middle schoolers or high schoolers, someone cries. Everyone is locked in and focused, and there is an overall sigh of relief that there is someone, standing there, talking about the messy things that they’ve been thinking about but haven’t had the courage, or the space, to share.
As I’ve grown and aged and become a mother, those anxious thoughts morphed and transformed into fear around the well-being of my child. When I first started having these thoughts I knew they were anxiety and I knew they were intrusive, because I’d had them before. I wasn’t surprised that they were there, but I was concerned by the weight of them and how even when they felt utterly and logically ridiculous, they still had the power and weight to give me pause and to make my heart race.
What Are Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts?
Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome, involuntary, and often disturbing thoughts, images, or urges that pop into a person’s mind. They are commonly violent or inappropriate and can cause significant distress because they usually contradict a person’s values and/or morals.
In motherhood, these thoughts can feel especially terrifying because they often center on the baby. So many of us have these thoughts and they often look and sound something like this:
- What if I accidentally drop my baby over the banister and she smashes her head open? (Cue the image of your baby falling to the ground).
- What if my baby chokes on a pancake while she’s downstairs with her Dad and I don’t get a chance to say goodbye to her?
- What if my medication causes a crazy reaction and she dies?
- What if what if what if…
One of the biggest things about intrusive thoughts is that they often ruminate. And ruminating thoughts are thoughts that spiral around, and around, and around and most often ruminating thoughts are negative in nature. And the thing about any thought that we think about over and over is that we can start to believe it’s actually true.
So although these intrusive thoughts are involuntary, when they’re repetitive, they can become belief systems, which can cause us to feel on edge and hypervigilant all the time. No one wants to spend their early days with their precious, newborn child worried about all the ways their child could get hurt. And yet the feelings and the thoughts are there.
If you have had scary, unwanted thoughts about your baby getting hurt, you are not alone. In fact, research by the International OCD Foundation suggests that 70 to 100 percent of new moms experience intrusive thoughts of infant harm, and about half experience intrusive thoughts about intentionally harming their infant. These thoughts can be deeply distressing, but unwanted intrusive thoughts alone do not mean you are a bad mother or that you want to act on them.
That distinction matters. If the thoughts feel unwanted, horrifying, and out of line with who you are, they are often anxious in nature. But if you ever feel at risk of hurting yourself or your baby, if the thoughts begin to feel like urges, or if you feel disconnected from reality, that is an emergency and you should seek immediate help by calling 911, contacting your provider, or calling/texting 988. The 988 Lifeline offers free, confidential support by call, text, or chat.
So If Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts Are So Common, Why Don’t We Talk About Them?
Cue societal expectations. Another thing I discuss often in my mental health work is the external pressures and expectations that are placed upon us, and the ways in which we attempt to conform to avoid discomfort, to receive praise and appreciation, and to morph into a version of us that is more palatable and socially acceptable.
It’s no news that mental health is greatly stigmatized and that a lot of people suffer in silence despite, at times, debilitating symptoms of anxiety. In motherhood especially, we’re expected to hold everything on our own, to manage the scary thoughts while being everything to our children, and to smile while we do it. Just because something is an expectation, that doesn’t mean that we have to abide by it.
This is where honest storytelling matters. Research published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research has shown that storytelling can help reduce mental health stigma by creating empathy, comfort and a greater willingness to understand people who are struggling.
Combining these statistics with the statistics around how common these thoughts are feels like a sign that we should be more open and vulnerable about these feelings—not only for our own sake, but for the sake of women and mothers in the future and beyond.
Do These Thoughts Mean I Don’t Love My Baby?
This is a fear we all hold, that somehow these thoughts mean we’re disconnected from the love for our children. I see this differently. I believe that the reason why these thoughts become so pronounced is because we love them so much that we’d be devastated if any harm were to come to them.
I think on the positive side these thoughts can help us be vigilant and help us pay attention, when channeled properly. When channeled improperly, of course, they can lead to feelings of helplessness. But they do not mean you don’t love your child.
The world is a dual place, and we have become increasingly uncomfortable with nuance.
We are allowed to feel multiple things at once.
We are allowed to feel overstimulated and exhausted, and also love our children more than anything.
We are allowed to feel depleted and like we want to be left alone, and also miss our kids once they go to sleep.
Feeling both does not mean you’re crazy, it means you’re living in reality.
This tension can cause something called cognitive dissonance—the mental discomfort experienced when holding two contradictory beliefs. This dissonance does not need to cause shame, or fear, but rather it should be a signal to us that we are human.
When Postpartum Anxiety Needs Support
There is a difference between an intrusive thought that passes through and an intrusive thought that starts running your life. If you are avoiding normal parts of caring for your baby, constantly checking, repeatedly seeking reassurance, unable to sleep because of fear, or feeling like your thoughts are taking over, that is worth bringing to a therapist, doctor, OB-GYN or perinatal mental health specialist.
Perinatal anxiety and perinatal OCD are treatable. Postpartum Support International notes that perinatal OCD can include persistent, repetitive intrusive thoughts or mental images related to the baby, compulsive behaviors meant to reduce fear, hypervigilance, and a sense of horror about the thoughts. Treatment can include therapy, social support, practical help, and, in some cases, medication under the care of a medical provider.
You do not need to wait until you are in crisis to ask for help. You do not need to be “bad enough.” You do not need to prove your suffering.
How Do We Advocate for Mothers?
I have been a mental health speaker for the last nine years, sharing my story of mental health struggles with teenagers to promote awareness, to help them feel less alone, and to encourage them to get help.
Advocacy starts with honesty and authenticity. If not in front of hundreds of people on a stage, then maybe in front of those closest to you—the people you feel safest with.
If you’re inspired, sharing with mommy groups, sharing with friends, being open and honest about the true mental and emotional load of parenting and how unfair the expectations placed upon us are can build more resilient communities and families.
I have a 3-year-old and an almost 5-year-old. I experienced these intrusive, contradictory thoughts and I have spoken to many other women who have as well. I have since developed a short film called The Letdown, where I explore these topics, not just to share my own experience, but to bring true social impact and awareness around the topic of maternal mental health.
I’m currently fundraising to bring this film to life, so that we can all feel seen, heard, understood, and validated in the complexity of our experiences. The more we share, the less shame we feel. The less shame we feel, the more grounded and resilient we become.
And maybe that is part of what mothers need most: not another expectation to be calm, grateful, glowing and okay, but permission to tell the truth about the thoughts that scared us, the love that overwhelmed us, and the help we deserved all along.
Editor’s note: Brooke is currently fundraising for The Letdown, a short film exploring maternal mental health and the intrusive thoughts so many mothers carry in silence. You can learn more about the film and support the project here.
