Adjusting to life with a newborn can feel overwhelming, especially when navigating the challenges of marriage postpartum. Between sleepless nights, healing from childbirth, and learning the ropes of parenthood, it’s easy for romance to take a back seat. Exhaustion can strain your relationship, turning small tasks like diaper duty into big arguments and shifting your dynamic into more of a co-management role.
Let’s be honest: both you and your partner are likely running on empty. And that exhaustion has a sneaky way of creeping into your relationship and stirring up tension, makingeven the smallest “little” things like whose turn it is to wash your baby’s bottle or diaper duty turn into the biggest arguments. You might also feel like your partnership is way less romantic and more like a baby co-management role.
But here’s the good news: it doesn’t have to stay that way.
“While the postpartum period may be fulfilling for some couples, it is almost guaranteed to be challenging. With their first child, couples are stepping into unknown territory with a whole new set of responsibilities to navigate,” Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, said. “Ultimately, the postpartum period can be very trying and will test couples’ communication abilities, requiring a great deal of patience and grace for one another.
Here, we’re diving into why and how marriage changes postpartum and how couples work on keeping romance alive in marriage. With strategies for strengthening relationships during this transformative time, we’re giving you practical advice on how to not only help your relationship survive, but thrive during this time.
- How the Postpartum Period Affects Marriage
- Common Challenges in Marriage Postpartum
- How Marriage Grows and Strengthens Postpartum
- Strategies for Maintaining a Strong Marriage Postpartum
- Rebuilding Intimacy Postpartum
How the Postpartum Period Affects Marriage
Bringing a little one into the world changes a lot, or for many, it changes everything. Your marriage might suddenly have an entirely different dynamic, and it can be difficult to navigate. Let’s break it down.
Shift in Priorities
When your baby enters your lives, the focus in your life shifts from the couple’s relationship to caring for your newborn. After all, your baby needs you 24/7. However, this shift in priorities can make you feel like your romantic side is left on the back burner. You no longer have time for date nights or quality time with just the two of you.
Balancing the needs of your marriage postpartum is not easy, but finding that balance is so important. While it is challenging to find small moments to connect which might have felt like second nature pre-baby, finding those moments can make a big difference. A simple “how’s your day going?” or a little cuddle on the couch before you go to sleep can show each other how much you care, even in these small ways.
Physical and Emotional Exhaustion
Finding sleep with a newborn is like the most impossible challenge in the world. Sleep deprivation, recovery from childbirth and trying to adjust to a new routine can easily lead to physical and emotional fatigue. And this exhaustion doesn’t just take a toll on your energy, it takes a toll on intimacy and communication with your partner. The demands of new parenthood often leave little energy for romance or connection. So it’s okay to give yourself and your partner grace and permission to rest.
Navigating Role Changes
Becoming a parent means you’re taking on an entire new role. Being a parent comes with its own laundry list of responsibilities, expectations and sometimes unequal division of tasks. This can create tension between you and your partner. Maybe one of you is always getting up during the night while the other always handles the household duties. These changes can often feel uneven or unfair at times.
To manage these challenges, you should always be open with your partner about how you are feeling and how you can be supported. Whether it’s dividing up tasks in a different way or it’s more about being acknowledged for what you do, approaching it as a team can help you navigate marriage postpartum.
Common Challenges in Marriage Postpartum
After the arrival of your baby, marriage postpartum can unlock a whole new set of relationship challenges. The good news? These challenges are normal and so many couples face them.
Lack of Time and Intimacy
With your baby’s needs taking top priority, finding the time to have that physical and emotional intimacy can be tough. You might feel distanced from your partner and the early morning wake ups can replace the cuddles and date nights. To reconnect during marriage postpartum, start small. You can try holding hands while relaxing on the couch, writing each other small notes to find or planning little at home dates when your little one is sleeping. These small things can help you remember the spark you have, even in one of the most overwhelming phases of life.
Communication Breakdowns
When a new baby is added to the mix, it’s no wonder communication can sometimes crumble. It’s easy to fall into misunderstandings, especially when you don’t communicate with your partner if you’re struggling. To counteract this from happening, try to check in with each other often. Whether it’s in the morning or at the end of the day, a simple five-minute chat can work wonders. Talk about if you’re having a difficult time with something, express your needs and don’t forget to listen to your partner with empathy in mind.
Different Parenting Styles
Two different parents often means two different parenting styles. Parenting differences can emerge postpartum and sometimes you’ll find yourself disagreeing with your partner on sleep routines, feeding or discipline approaches. But just like with a lot of things in a relationship, compromise in this area is so important. Talk through what you think is the right approach but give your partner grace. It’s all about finding that common ground.
Postpartum Depression or Anxiety
Mental health challenges like postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety can affect marriage postpartum. If one or both of you are struggling with your mental health, it’s essential to seek help. You can look for therapists, support groups or medication from your healthcare provider. During this time, it’s okay to not be okay. Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
How Marriage Grows and Strengthens Postpartum
While the postpartum marriage period brings challenges, it also offers opportunities for you to grow in your relationship. Going through parenthood together can actually bring you two closer than ever.
Developing Deeper Emotional Bonds
Navigating the challenges of parenthood together can deepen the emotional bond between you and your partner. Whether it’s the way they comfort you during a late-night feeding or simply stay awake to keep you company when they don’t have to, these small acts of support build a stronger connection. Working together through these challenges as a team strengthens emotional intimacy, notes Lurie. Marriage postpartum is a time when you need your partner more than ever, so leaning on each other can help you actually fall more and more in love.
Building Teamwork and Trust
Caring for a baby is like the ultimate team sport. During these times, you’ll learn the importance of trusting each other to be there for you when you need it most. Sharing responsibilities and playing to each other’s strengths can enhance your partnership. For example, one of you might be great at calming the baby down for a feeding while the other handles dinner every night. Working as a team and trusting each other’s judgment will help your relationship thrive—even in the chaos.
Experiencing Mutual Joy in Parenting
While the hard times may make you feel like you’ll never feel the “joy” of parenting that everyone talks about, those emotional moments can be rewarding and where you find that fulfillment in parenting. Watching your partner become a parent is an experience like no other. Seeing how they care and love your child so much can fill your heart up with love. Sharing the small moments like your baby’s first laugh or steps can be some of the most meaningful moments in your relationship.
Strategies for Maintaining a Strong Marriage Postpartum
Keeping your relationship strong during postpartum takes work. It’s easy to let your partner slip away, but it doesn’t have to be that way. With the right strategies, you can stay connected to your relationship.
Prioritize Communication
Like anything in a relationship, communication is key. Keeping communication open and honest is essential for navigating the postpartum period. Regularly checking in with your partner to share how you’re feeling or what you need. This can prevent misunderstandings and allow yourself time to touch base with your partner.
“It is vital to share the struggles you are both experiencing. Validate her feelings and offer each other the space to talk. Offering emotional support is letting each other know that you are in this together by listening and asking questions that demonstrates understanding and compassion,” Dr. Jessica Vernon, MD, PMH-C and Board-Certified OB/GYN, says. “Ask each other what they need. Showing up and listening and being present can offer the support needed.
Schedule Time for Each Other
While it’s difficult, setting aside time for just the two of you—whether through a date night, a quiet evening at home or a simple walk—can help maintain closeness. It might be hard to go out for date night, so try to get creative at home.
“Instead of a weekly date night that includes hours away from their home and new baby, they may elect to stay awake for an hour once their baby has gone to sleep to talk about the day, including what was difficult and what made them smile. Or they may choose to go on a walk as a family while their baby sleeps in the carrier or stroller so they can share observations and time in each others’ company,” Lurie explained. “Remembering the relationship they had before the postpartum period can contribute to hopeful feelings about the future.”
Divide Responsibilities Equitably
Ensure that you and your spouse are sharing responsibilities fairly. This includes everything from baby care to household chores. Start by sitting down together and creating a plan, almost like a chore chart. Divide all the tasks in a way that feels fair to both of you. Approaching this as a team can help you manage it all and prevent burnout or resentment.
Focus on Small Acts of Kindness
Small acts of kindness can make the biggest difference in marriage postpartum. Leaving little notes like we mentioned before, saying “thank you” more often or grabbing their favorite drink or snack on your next grocery trip can go a long way in maintaining affection and connection. Small gestures like these can keep your connection alive and help your partner through their day.
Seek Support When Needed
Lastly, don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you need it. Whether through couples counseling, parenting support groups or family help, outside support can help lighten the load of everything you have to get done. Doing this early on can also prevent small issues from becoming larger marital problems.
Rebuilding Intimacy Postpartum
Intimacy often takes a backseat during the early marriage postpartum period, but rebuilding it is important for the relationship. Between all the demands of a newborn, it’s no wonder that reconnecting with your partner in that way can feel like a challenge.
Physical Recovery and Sexual Intimacy
Childbirth takes an immense toll on your body, and this physical recovery can affect sexual intimacy. Many moms might experience discomfort, hormonal changes or just a lack of desire to engage is sex. But it’s normal to feel unsure or uneasy about getting back into the physical aspect of a relationship. While there’s no required wait time to get back into physical intimacy, it’s typically recommended that you wait until your healthcare provider checks your health after birth. The general recommendation is at least two weeks after delivery. Waiting longer to have sex gives your body more time to heal, so there’s really no harm in waiting it out. Especially since your risk for infection after birth is high. Start slow and work up from there. If it hurts or you experience abnormal discomfort, stop and seek help from your doctor.
Emotional Intimacy and Connection
To rebuild that emotional intimacy, start through conversation, shared experiences and affection. Simple things like sharing a laugh about a past moment, holding hands or having a heartfelt conversation can remind you of the closeness you have. It’s also important to remember that you should grow your emotional intimacy before resuming physical intimacy. This will help you feel more comfortable and connected when the time comes for physical acts.
Take It Slow and Be Patient
Always, always, always take it slow and remember it may take time to rebuild your connection both physically and emotionally. Be patient with your partner but also yourself. There’s no rush when it comes to rebuilding intimacy—this is a marathon, not a sprint. Focus on progress instead of perfection. Lean on your partner, take as much time as you need and know keeping romance alive in marriage is a learning curve. You’re in this together!
