When you’re a new mom, you’re worried about all sorts of things: caring for a tiny human, maintaining your romantic relationship, discovering your new identity, and you know, recovering from giving birth. One of the things you don’t want to worry about is having awkward conversations with your mother-in-law.
As you write your birth plan, start to breastfeed or make choices for your baby and new family, she’s likely to have many unwelcome opinions and unsolicited advice. Unfortunately though, for many postpartum women—it’s an all-too-common situation.
Some research has shown that as mother-in-laws get older, there is an increased chance they will have a poor relationship with their daughter-in-laws. This may be due to a larger generational gap and a lesser ability to understand or relate to what the new mother is going through. Other researchers have found mothers-in-law increasingly worry they will be excluded by their child and their partner, which may explain their incessant (and um, obnoxious) recommendations and unsolicited advice.
Are you nodding your head along? We bet so. If you’re reading this article, it’s likely you’re experiencing some awkward conversations with your mother-in-law. You may have faced moments where you feel like setting your boundaries can come with pushback or situations where your decisions are being questioned.
Being put in this situation is not easy by any means, but it’s also important to know that so many mothers deal with the same mother-in-law dynamics. These dynamics become particularly challenging because you feel like you must respect your partner’s family while also advocating for yourself and your child. It’s crucial to have open and honest communication with your partner about these issues, because presenting a united front can often be the most effective way to handle these uncomfortable situations. After all, a mother-in-law is probably more likely to listen to her own child than her child’s partner.
When these awkward conversations with your mother-in-law come up, it’s okay to be firm, yet respectful, kind—and assertive. Setting boundaries is not only acceptable, it’s necessary as you establish what your new family needs.
“There are so many variables that influence how one might respond—or not respond— to situations with their mother-in-law. These include, but are not limited to, your culture, your partner and mother-in-law’s culture, your personality, your mother-in-law’s personality, your values, your communication style, your relationship with your partner and your relationship with your mother-in-law before becoming a parent,” Sava Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains.
We will cover several situations that may arise as you grow into your role as mother—and she grows into her role as grandmother. Here’s how to handle these awkward conversations with your mother-in-law in the most effective way, all with the advice of therapists.
- She doesn’t support your birth plan—and isn’t afraid to tell you exactly why.
- She wants to be in the delivery room—you don’t want her there.
- She just comes over just to hold the baby—and doesn’t help out.
- She has strong opinions on breastfeeding or formula feeding—and they don’t really match your own.
- She shows up unannounced—and doesn’t seem to understand why that’s a problem.
- She wants you to raise your kids how she raised her kids—and isn’t afraid to say so
- She makes comments about your postpartum body—somehow thinking saying “you’ll bounce back to your old body in no time” is helpful.
- She refuses to get vaccinated or wants to come over when she’s sick—and you’re not comfortable with the exposure.
The Situation: She doesn’t support your birth plan—and isn’t afraid to tell you exactly why.
It can be difficult when your mother-in-law shares her thoughts on your birth plan. Maybe you’re very pro epidural—and she had all of her children at home in a bathtub, sans pain medication. Or you want to be induced and ‘everyone she knows never went past 40 weeks.’
Birth is already an emotionally-charged and anticipated physical endurance test that can feel scary—especially as a first-time mom. So someone judging you not only feels uncomfortable—it can feel invasive.
It’s one thing to be concerned about you and want to ensure you’re okay—but if your mother-in-law can’t even explain why she doesn’t support your birth plan, it’s easy to get frustrated.
“If your mother-in-law disapproves of your birth plan, keep in mind the intensity and impact of the disapproval. If she has no way of altering your plan or having sway with your partner, I would go with a superficial ‘Appreciate your thoughts. I’ll consider it.’ And then don’t consider it. I don’t think setting boundaries always has to be firm and direct. It’s okay to be polite and move on when it’s inconsequential,” says Rachel Ruiz, licensed clinical social worker.
As Ruiz suggests, sometimes complete disapproval of your mother-in-law’s opinions can cause more tension, which you don’t need or want. Maintaining your composure and providing short, polite responses can hopefully shift the conversation and set a few boundaries early on.
“If you feel there’s concern she may influence or disrespect what you want, it’s best to set boundaries early and often. ‘We’ve decided we don’t want visitors in the hospital. We’d love to have you at our home once we’re settled.’ Offering an alternative is helpful because it’s like saying ‘No, but yes to this.’ It offers the quality time being sought without overrunning your boundaries.”
The Situation: She wants to be in the delivery room—you don’t want her there.
One of the most common awkward conversations expecting mothers encounter with their mother-in-law is her desire to be in the delivery room to witness ‘her grandchild being born.’ Every hospital has different rules about the number of people in the delivery room—but it’s also about your preference. When you’re in such a vulnerable situation like childbirth (um, you know, your vagina is out on display) you may just want your partner and a member of your family with you. But mother-in-laws might feel like they have a right to be there, too.
“Sometimes with boundaries, we have to set up a “soft” no before a hard one, and it helps to deliver the news gently at first if you expect a reaction. I talk about “soft” nos with clients all the time because it slows down the process and encourages everyone to be more thoughtful and considerate. A soft no is ‘Let me think about it and get back to you. I’m not ready to make a decision about that. I’ll let you know when I do.’ It helps ease you into the boundary-setting conversation so that you are not overwhelmed,” Ruiz says.
Starting with a “soft no” is such a great way to prevent immediate pushback from your mother-in-law. As Ruiz suggests, using phrases like “let me think about it” allow for both of you to process the conversation instead of responding in the heat of the moment.
“I have often heard nurses and medical staff saying this ‘no’ for you, so it’s important to make your preferences known to them as well. It’s okay to share with a mother-in-law that it’s a sensitive bonding time, and what’s most important is your time with the baby,” Ruiz continues. “You can even add that this parent-child priority is emphasized and encouraged by current medical practices. Ultimately, you can validate feelings such as ‘I know you are so eager to meet the baby and be supportive, but we’ve got this, so let’s see you when we get home.’”
The Situation: She just comes over just to hold the baby—and doesn’t help out.
When you have a baby, you don’t just need help with the baby. You need help cleaning, getting through piles and piles of spit-up covered laundry, feeding yourself and taking care of pets or other children if you have them. While everyone wants to spend time with a cuddly, sleepy newborn—you’re probably still wearing postpartum diapers yourself or struggling to get up off the couch if you had a C-section. You do need help—but most of the time, you’d prefer to hold your baby while someone else takes care of the rest of the chores. So, it can be highly frustrating when your mother-in-law shows up just to cuddle with ‘her grandchild’—but not to help with anything else.
“It’s likely generational that mother-in-laws view holding the baby as ‘helping out.’ You can start with education if you’re feeling generous. I usually start with ‘It’s more common now to….’ insert whatever practice has changed. If I’m feeling really timid, I’ll say, ‘Doctors and therapists are now recommending… parenting and early bonding, and I really want to follow that advice.’ It shifts the attention away from you making a choice that upsets her to you practicing what was encouraged by the professionals supporting you,” Ruiz suggests.
Using advice from medical professionals is always an effective way of deterring your mother-in-law’s actions. It shifts the focus from your personal beliefs, which should matter anyways, to expert advice, which your mother-in-law really can’t disagree with.
“Redirection from a partner can be helpful. It may be easier for your mother-in-law to hear from their own child, ‘Hey, could you actually help out with this right now? Mom’s got the baby,’” Ruiz adds.
The Situation: She has strong opinions on breastfeeding or formula feeding—and they don’t really match your own.
There’s already so much stigma around breastfeeding and formula feeding—and many people, including strangers, seem to feel comfortable offering their opinions. This can make many moms feel pressured, guilty, frustrated or judged for their choices, struggles or complications with feeding. But whether you’re breastfeeding, formula feeding, combo-feeding, using donor milk or a mix of these, you’re doing what you know is right for your baby and for yourself. When your mother-in-law compares her own breastfeeding or formula-feeding journey with yours, it can be incredibly triggering during an already-stressful experience.
Here are some statements Ruiz suggests to use in this situation.
- “That doesn’t work for me and the baby.”
- “There’s a long story behind my choices, but I’m content with them and don’t need feedback.”
- “I’m sensing you’re not open to hearing my opinion on this. Until we can both hear one another, I don’t want to discuss it.”
- “It’s not up for discussion.”
- “It feels important to you to do it “right” but I want to do it the way that is right for me.”
- “I don’t like comments about …. It’s best if we drop this.”
- “I’m content with how things are. I won’t be changing them.”
- “This is a private choice for me.”
The Situation: She shows up unannounced—and doesn’t seem to understand why that’s a problem.
As you care for a newborn, anyone showing up unannounced or unexpectedly is a problem. You’re sleep-deprived, irritable, hungry and probably need about ten spa days—or you know, just more than two consecutive hours of sleep. You’re adjusting to a new normal, your house is in utter disarray, and most of the time, you’re probably walking around in sweats and unwashed hair. Those first-few weeks are a healthy mix of pure joy and complete exhaustion—and not a time when you want to host anyone in your home. So, when your mother-in-law shows up unannounced, it can cause frustration, making it challenging to balance the aspect of respect.
“Some new parents will elect not to do anything and accept that their mother-in-law will show up from time to time and will grin and bear it. Another option is to have your partner communicate with her and set the boundary, as it might be easier for them to communicate directly,” Lurie says.
Sometimes, the only person who can get through to their mother is their child. Your partner knows how their mother operates and can anticipate how they may respond to certain conversations.
“Their relationship may better allow for these difficult conversations. And, of course, you can gently and firmly explain that in the future, you ask that she communicate with you before she comes over so that you can let her know if it’s a good time, as you also have other things you’re tending to and want to make sure you’re home and available to greet her,” Lurie says.
The Situation: She wants you to raise your kids how she raised her kids—and isn’t afraid to say so.
“When my kids were little, we put them on their stomach to sleep.” “Just put a little whiskey on the gums to help them with teething.” “You need to turn that car seat around—he’s getting too tall for it!” “What do you mean I can’t give my granddaughter honey because she’s not one yet? My kids ate it and they were fine.”
If any of these comments are triggering, you’re definitely not the only one. This is probably one of the most awkward and common conversations to have with your mother-in-law. Having your mother-in-law try to enforce her parenting playbook on you can be irritating, especially when you consider that parenting methods differ so much from generation-to-generation, family-to-family, culture-to-culture, and parent-to-parent.
“One approach is to actively ignore your mother-in-law’s comments, a behavioral tactic that can reduce unwanted behaviors. This involves pretending not to hear her, which may be difficult but could be effective. It also requires emotional regulation to stay calm under challenging circumstances. However, there’s no guarantee this will work, and it’s not a direct or assertive tactic, making it preferable for some and less so for others,” Lurie shares.
Actively ignoring your mother-in-law’s comments can be a subtle way to avoid any conflict or pushback. But as Lurie says, this may not work with every situation, so having an open conversation to discuss boundaries could be helpful.
“If your relationship allows for vulnerability and difficult conversations, you might decide to sit down with your mother-in-law and discuss the issue. You could respectfully explain that while you appreciate her parenting style and how it worked for her, as a new parent, you want to try things your way, knowing you might make mistakes but will navigate them as they come.”
The Situation: She makes comments about your postpartum body—somehow thinking saying “you’ll bounce back to your old body in no time” is helpful.
Comments about your postpartum body can feel very, very uncomfortable and even awkward, right? In fact, comments about your body, postpartum or not, can put you in a vulnerable position. Your mother-in-law may mean well, but it doesn’t always come out in a respectful way. Comments like “When are you planning to lose the baby weight,” or “It’s time to get back into the gym!” — can dampen your confidence and leave you feeling like you’re not meeting expectations.
On the flipside, comments like “Wow! You bounced back too fast!” – can be equally strange. Some women may even feel hurt by this comment, since their body just did a miraculous thing and now is only being talked about as something ‘small.’ Your body is recovering from growing a life inside of it, and it needs time. And your body should be treated with so much respect from yourself and others. Here are some statements Lurie suggests to use in this situation.
- “I know you’re being kind when you say that, and I am actively trying to take the pressure off of my body at this time. I imagine my body has changed and will continue to change, and I am working on being okay with that. I appreciate your support with the baby’s development; let’s focus on that.”
- “I appreciate your support. Right now, I’m focusing on enjoying every moment with the baby and caring for myself. Can we talk about that instead?”
- “Thank you for your encouragement. Everybody is different, and I’m giving myself the time I need to recover.”
The Situation: She refuses to get vaccinated or wants to come over when she’s sick—and you’re not comfortable with the exposure.
Vaccination can be a tricky topic, especially when your main concern is with your baby. Everyone seems to have an opinion about vaccinations, and it only seems to be an increasingly overwhelming topic after COVID-19. Suddenly, everyone has an opinion or a story to share about their thoughts, and before you know it, you’re knee-deep in a political debate. But to protect your little one, you must be extremely careful and clear about setting boundaries. You’re the one who has talked to your doctor about these decisions and has made the right ones for your baby and family. Especially since a baby isn’t born with an immune system, it’s up to you to protect them.
“In this situation, it may help to identify the boundaries you wish to establish with loved ones across the board so you and your partner can communicate them clearly, and it’s evident that the boundaries are not specific to this relationship. You may also find that it’s easier to talk about yourself and why it’s important that those around the baby are vaccinated and healthy instead of focusing on others’ behaviors to reduce defensiveness,” Lurie says. “You can also defer to your pediatrician’s advice and acknowledge that you’re doing so to keep the baby safe.”
Lurie also recommends coming from an empathic place by explaining you are making choices because you want to be cautious and you are feeling worried. As a mother herself, she’s likely to understand these new parent jitters and the need to protect your child. Lurie says it may be helpful to offer alternative ways for them to connect could also help, like suggesting a FaceTime date.
