If you are navigating co-parenting, you know it can be one of the most challenging experiences you’ll face. Whether you’re having a disagreement about how to manage schedules, lifestyles, or how to discipline your children, it is so essential that as a parent, you approach these conversations with care and respect for yourself, your co-parent—and your children. Remember, as a co-parent, the main goal is to have a cooperative relationship that prioritizes your children, even when tensions and emotions run high.
One way to ensure that your journey as a co-parent goes smoothly is to have a list of co-parenting boundaries that both parents agree to. Boundaries are the rules and limits you set for yourself within relationships. They create a structure that can help you keep conversations respectful and prevent any misunderstandings before they get out of control. A list of co-parenting boundaries can also give you both a framework on how to handle topics like different parenting styles, new relationships and schedule arrangements.
We’ve rounded up a helpful list of co-parenting boundaries that can serve as guidelines during tough conversations, ensuring the focus remains on the well-being of the children. Whether you just became a co-parent and are trying to deal with it all, or you’re looking for new ways to improve communication with your co-parent, this list of co-parenting boundaries will offer advice on how to navigate co-parenting.
- Why Boundaries Are Crucial in Co-Parenting
- List of Co-Parenting Boundaries to Set
- Handling Tough Conversations with Boundaries in Place
- When to Seek Outside Help
Why Boundaries Are Crucial in Co-Parenting
Setting boundaries in co-parenting is essential for creating a cooperative and respectful relationship. If you’ve split up from your partner, you know it’s easy for emotions and conflict in your relationship to seep into discussions about your children. That’s why setting boundaries is critical in co-parenting.
Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based psychologist, explained that after a couple splits up, it’s essential to work as a team and present a united front for their children. “This creates a more emotionally healthy, loving and safe environment for a child since the parents, though not together anymore, are still consistent and aligned with each other,” Thomas said. “As a result, there is less likelihood of mixed messages and confusion for any of the parties involved. It is especially necessary to prevent or minimize these unhealthy results when parents are broken up so that they and their children know where things stand with clearly defined and agreed-upon boundaries.”
Key Boundaries to Set in Co-Parenting
Each boundary you set can serve a different purpose, which can help create a foundation for any conversations that may arise. What matters to one family might not matter to the next, but these provide a starting-off point for open dialogue and alignment.
Maintain Respectful Communication
When you’re dealing with anything co-parenting, the first thing you should always do is keep communication clear, respectful and focused on the children. By doing this, you can keep any conflicts from escalating into something more than just a constructive disagreement. We know your top priority is always your kids, so try your best to keep the focus on them during communication. Try to avoid blaming your co-parent or bringing up past conflicts.
Be Clear About Decision-Making
When you’re a co-parent, there are a lot of important decisions that both parents should be involved in. As your children grow up, you’ll have to make choices about education, medical care and other important life events for your child.
“Respect each other’s parenting methods, even if they differ from your own. Co-parenting is not about agreeing on every detail but about mutual respect for each parent’s approach,” Kelly Oriad, dual master’s degree in marriage and family therapy and chief therapeutic officer at Slumberkins, said. “It’s important to allow space for individual differences as long as the children’s safety and emotional well-being are prioritized.”
Always consult the other parent when it comes to major decisions. While you don’t have to ask your co-parent what your kid will eat for dinner that day, you should always ask them their opinion on where they should go to school, how they should receive medical care and other critical or long-lasting decisions that will impact your child’s and family’s future.. Through establishing this boundary early on, you can work more as a team as your children grow up.
Respect Each Other’s Time
As a co-parent, you now have to manage two entirely different schedules. Respecting each other’s time can make your co-parenting relationship smoother. After all, it can be infuriating waiting for someone who is constantly late or doesn’t live up to their side of an agreement. This is why setting around timing and availability can avoid disruptions in each other’s schedules.
“Decide how and when you will communicate, whether through text, email, or in-person meetings. Stick to topics related to the children, avoiding past grievances,” Oriad said. “This helps prevent emotional confrontations and keeps interactions productive and focused on the child’s needs.”
Protect Privacy and Personal Boundaries
Always, always, always avoid discussing personal matters unrelated to parenting. You want to respect your co-parents’ privacy and you want them to respect yours. Respect each other’s online and offline privacy, and refrain from posting about the co-parent without consent.
“Setting emotional boundaries means recognizing what you are comfortable sharing with your co-parent and what should remain private. Avoid using your ex-partner as an emotional outlet for frustrations or unresolved feelings,” Oriad explained.
Keeping your personal lives separate can help minimize any tension and allow you both to just focus on parenting and your children.
Avoid Involving the Children
If you’ve split up from your partner, your kids will often feel confused or caught in between. This is why it’s so important to never use your kids as messengers or intermediaries. Telling them to tell your co-parent something leaves them in the middle of their parents. It also can affect their emotional well-being.
“Co-parent boundaries protect children of all ages to avoid being caught between their parent’s conflicts and disputes. Protection comes in the form of undue emotional stress and feeling the need to take sides,” Lisa Brateman, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, relationship specialist, public speaker, and media commentator, said. “Confusion, depression and anxiety are associated with parents who cannot shield children from adult problems and the stress that comes with them.”
Handling Tough Conversations with Boundaries in Place
Regarding topics like discipline, new relationships or relocation, it can be hard to maintain the boundaries you’ve set. But sticking to them and keeping the conversation solution-oriented and child-focused can make all the difference.
Use a Neutral Tone and Approach
When having difficult conversations, an important strategy is to always approach them with a neutral, calm tone to prevent escalation. If you come in hot-headed, even if you’re feeling emotionally charged, the conversation can easily escalate and make it hard for a solution to be found. Come into any conversation with your boundaries in mind, a neutral tone and always listen to the other parent’s perspective without interrupting or reacting emotionally. Even if you disagree with them, try to hear them out and approach the issue together.
Set Clear Agendas for Discussions
Another way to navigate these difficult discussions is to outline what points you will talk about beforehand. By doing this, both parents can come prepared for the conversation and stay focused on the issue. During the discussion, avoid bringing up unrelated issues to your agenda. Stick to the topic at hand and work towards a solution.
Co-Parenting With a Newborn
If you are trying to navigate parenting with a newborn, it can be extremely difficult. Babies require constant care and attention, and trying to adjust to your role as a parent during this time is challenging. If you are co-parenting a newborn, try to prioritize a consistent routine. Younger children thrive on routine, giving them structure and security. Try to create a schedule that includes their feeding times, playtimes and sleep routines.
This ensures that your baby has a sense of stability when switching from parent to parent. Also, always make sure you are sharing any changes about your baby’s health or preferences to your co-parent. Being on the same page when it comes to new foods, teething pain, toy preferences and everything in between is critical. Lastly, try to be flexible when it comes to different parenting styles. It’s natural for you to have a different approach than your co-parent, so try to accept and understand that you might have different styles to raising your baby.
When to Seek Outside Help
Sometimes, co-parenting discussions become too difficult to manage alone. In these cases, external support can be really helpful.
Mediators and Therapists
If you ever feel like co-parenting conversations are too difficult to manage by yourself, you can always work with a mediator or family therapist to facilitate difficult conversations. By having someone present as a third party, they can provide a neutral stance on the issues at hand. They’re also trained with strategies and ways to work through disputes productively.
Legal Boundaries
In some cases, legal boundaries may need to be set, such as in cases involving custody arrangements or modifications to existing agreements. By allowing legal professionals to create custody agreements, schedules and handle other issues, it can ensure that your child’s needs are met while considering what is fair for both parents.
Co-parenting is no easy feat. It’s full of ups and downs. One week, you might feel like you’re on the exact same page, but the next you can feel like you’re getting into conflicts left and right. But with the right list of co-parenting boundaries and effective communication, you can navigate co-parenting with confidence and respect.
“The most important thing to keep in mind is what is in the best interest of your child,” Brateman said. “When making decisions, that is the first and last question to ask yourself.”
