Why didn’t she leave?
As a domestic violence advocate, this is the question I get asked most often when someone hears about yet another horrific murder of a victim by their intimate partner. There is no simple answer to that question, no one universal response. Fear. Love. Money. Shame. For some it may be one or more of these feelings, and for others it can be something else entirely.
But for those who share children with their abusers, the answers can be even more complex, while at the same time remaining simple. They stay—or they leave—because they are doing what is best for their children.
Domestic violence is all about having power and control over another person, not necessarily about physical abuse. Many victims find themselves isolated and trapped, unable to leave. Their abusers control the finances, pay the phone bill, hold the car keys, keep the number to ICE on speed dial and threaten to have them deported, gaslight victims into believing that they cannot function in society without them and they’ve fooled everyone into thinking they have a perfect relationship.
With no friends and family, no resources and no self-confidence, victims are terrified that if they leave, they will lose custody of their children, end up homeless or be deported and separated from their children.
Others cannot leave safely with their children but are unwilling to go without them. Victims know—whether they’ve heard it, read it, been advised it or just know instinctively—that leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time. Statistically, victims are more likely to be killed when leaving a relationship, than at any other time.
For other victims, their calculations aren’t as complicated: they simply believe that their children will be happier, safer, and better if they grow up in a home with two parents—and it is a mother’s nature to want the best for their children.
So with all of those barriers, what makes them overcome it all and finally leave?
Many of the mothers I have worked with will cite a specific moment or incident involving their children that provided a moment of clarity, a last straw… an instant when they realized staying was doing their children more harm than good.
A moment when they knew they had to get out.
Take Jonathan’s mother, for example. Let’s call her Joan. Jonathan was a toddler when Joan decided to flee her abusive relationship. Jonathan’s father had been verbally and physically abusive to Joan almost from the start of the relationship. But Joan’s father had been abusive to her mom, so when Jonathan’s father began to lash out at her, she didn’t think anything was wrong.
But just before Jonathan’s fourth birthday, Jonathan spit at Joan and called her a bitch because he didn’t like what she had made for dinner—something Jonathan had witnessed his father do on countless occasions. It was in that moment, with her heart breaking, that Joan realized if she didn’t get out, Jonathan would grow up to be just like his father. And that she would be perpetuating the cycle of violence she found herself in. It was then that Joan began to make a plan to flee.
Or take another example, like Mary. Mary had been married to her husband for 20 years when she and I met. They had two children together: a 17-year-old boy and a 14-year-old girl. Mary’s husband had assaulted her on and off throughout the marriage, often correlating with when he had been drinking. But overall it was a good life: they had a comfortable home, went on vacations, and the kids got good grades.
He was a great father who went to every school meeting and attended every dance recital and soccer game. And he was always so loving and apologetic after each assault. He would always promise to get help and it wouldn’t happen again. And besides, he only ever hurt her at night after the kids had gone to bed, so they had no idea what was going on and she didn’t want to disrupt their lives or take them away from their loving dad.
One night, as things were starting to escalate she heard their bedroom door open. Her husband paused mid-swing and she saw her son standing there. Her son surveyed the scene and the next thing she knew she saw her son charging at her husband. That night everything changed for Mary. She knew she had to get herself and her children out of that home before anything else happened, before her son did something irreversible trying to protect her. Now that her son knew there was no question of staying. She had to protect him—not the other way around.
Or new mom Juana. Juana learned she was pregnant in October of 2023. The constant arguing and belittling from her husband paled in comparison to the stress she felt as she and her husband were barely scraping by and were constantly under threat from a local drug cartel that loomed over their town in Mexico.
When they learned about the pregnancy, they began to make plans to flee to the United States. Just a few days before they left, Juana found out she was having a girl. She didn’t tell her husband right away, since she knew he would be disappointed; he desperately wanted a son. She would wait to tell him until they arrived and she hoped he would realize that America was a new start, and a baby—boy or girl—would just be an additional blessing in their new life.
During the journey, at a particularly low moment, she let it slip they were having a daughter and he punched her, right in her stomach. The following day he punched her twice in the stomach. And almost every day following until they crossed the border, the physical abuse targeting her stomach continued. It was during that time that Juana made her own plans: not just to flee Mexico, but to flee her husband when they made it across the border. Who knew what he would do to her and the baby when she was born if this is how he treated her now? She knew her new start in America had to be without her husband. She had to protect her baby at all costs.
The reality is though, for moms like Joan, Mary and Juana, even when they decide to leave, it is not as easy as packing a bag and moving out. It takes time.
It takes careful planning. It takes a strategically-timed call to a hotline or a friend when the abuser isn’t around. A secret meeting with a lawyer. Copies of important documents given to a trusted neighbor for safekeeping. Money squirreled away in a hidden location slowly building up—over weeks or even years.
And even with all that planning, sometimes they don’t leave. Or sometimes they leave and then they go back. It takes victims an average of seven times to permanently leave a relationship behind.
Domestic violence is pervasive in our society. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, one out of four women will experience severe physical abuse from an intimate partner in her lifetime, as will one out of seven men.
It is an epidemic that has no boundaries: it crosses gender, race, income, and geographic borders. Look around your office, the grocery store, the next PTO meeting, a group chat, and I guarantee you know someone who is in an abusive relationship.
But remember, even if you know someone is in an abusive relationship, it is not your job to rescue them. They need to be ready. And you should be ready to help when they are. Educate yourself on what resources are available in your community. Learn how to help victims create safety plans.
Raise awareness about how pervasive domestic violence is to help remove the stigma and make it easier for victims to come forward, to leave. Follow up with people even if they seem fine. And more importantly, regularly check in with that person who has dropped out of your life—as mentioned above, abusers isolate their victims to make it harder for them to leave,even if they don’t respond, let them know that you are there so they can reach out if and when they are ready. And crucially, listen without judgment when a victim comes to you, regardless of where they are at in the process. Let them know they are not alone and that help is available from you and from the community if and when they are ready to leave.
If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline.. You can call, text, or chat with them. They can help connect you with local resources, understand what you have been through, and help you make a safety plan regardless of whether you plan to stay or leave.
*All names and identifying facts have been changed to protect victims’ confidentiality.
