As I reflect on my career, there were a number of pivotal moments, but the biggest ‘Oh Sh*t’ moment came when I welcomed my first child.
I knew who I was as an employee: hard-working, focused, career-driven. What I didn’t know was who I would become. I welcomed this small human and over my maternity leave, I could only think of them and their needs. I barely slept, would forget to eat…I couldn’t possibly imagine adding work into the mix.
While it was a different time (my babies are 27 and 23), the challenges are timeless. How do you balance work, motherhood, and find time to nurture relationships and still slip in some self-care?
After having my kids, I felt compelled to help other moms navigate these challenges by bringing another ‘baby’ to life. Your 4th Trimester was born out of the desire to support employees as they prepare for and then return from parental leave, to support the teams that hold space for their colleagues, and to positively impact the 43 percent of new mothers who face a career change after welcoming a child.
Let me be clear, I fully support a woman’s choice to step away from or out of their career to raise their children. That is hard work. But I am here to be a champion for women who want to (or these days, have to) work a job or career to provide for their family.
When a woman doesn’t return to the workplace, it impacts her career trajectory, the team they don’t rejoin, and more broadly, the upward mobility of all women. But hey, no pressure.
So as you return to work, what might you want to know?
Stop shoulding yourself.
Women are so hard on themselves: we compare ourselves to friends and family who managed better, had it all together or suffered less. Funny enough, they probably feel the same about you. Social media projects a version of perfection against which we all come up short.
Motherhood and working outside the home (literally or figuratively) is not an exact science. It is gut instinct, and guilt, and doubt, and lack of confidence, and comparison, and…. no one feels as if they are doing it well.
There is nothing you ‘should’ do and only you are in a position to decide what you would like to try, what works for your child and your family, and if and when you pivot to try something new.
You’re going through a ‘birth’ of your own.
As I coach women out to their parental leave, we don’t talk about returning to work. Frankly, because the woman that will return hasn’t been born yet. Who you are as an employee now is not who you will be when you return.
Your baby will change you and shift your priorities.
If you judge future you by present you, you will miss all of the changes you may experience when you welcome your child. Wait to plan for your return until you are ready and then plan accordingly.
At the same time, the company will have changed: what they need from you, current workload and resources, and where you can best add value are subject to change while you are on parental leave. Anticipating the future without the data will not solve the need. Use this time of care to learn who you are as a mother and a mother to this particular child, which will allow you to figure out who you are as an employee down the road.
No two experiences are the same—including your second (or third) pregnancy & return.
Each woman, her job, her family dynamics, pregnancies and babies are different from all others. Even the same mom will have completely different experiences if this is their first, second or fifth child. Family culture and needs change; how you divide and invest your time among your family, yourself and your career is always in flux. Trust your gut. Trust your instincts. Don’t try to convince your insides based on observing other people’s outsides.
If you can, set your return date on a Wednesday.
Try to return (if possible) on a Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. Your natural instinct to start at the beginning of the week may put you in the middle of Monday energy. You may want to transition back more slowly and find your footing. Instead, use Monday and Tuesday as dry run days: try out your new routine, transition your baby to childcare, plan for the week ahead, and go through some trial runs. And the reward of a short first week is fewer days until you spend the weekend with your family.
Remember, day one is day one.
Since this is the first time you are showing up as a ‘working mom’ (or working mom of two, etc.), day one is like the first day of a brand-new job. You have changed, the company has changed, and the grace you show to a new hire should be extended to yourself to ramp up and transition back to work.
In my experience, women want to jump back in and prove that they are ready to go, when in fact you may need a beat to feel your feels, meet new co-workers, or even log back into your computer or the company systems. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a new colleague.
Practice listening before diving in.
The first few days are not about jumping back into work, but rather, listening and learning about what happened in your absence. Updates on workstreams, team members, clients and the company—it is not time-efficient to review everything that happened in your absence.
Your role is not to relive the time you were on leave, but to find out where the work is now.
Listen to updates and assess how best to add value in this moment. Setting up time with leaders, managers, and co-workers to listen is time well invested in your transition. Allow those individuals to direct you to what to read, watch or how best to onboard.
Repeat these words: For now.
Two of my favorite words are ‘for now’ and they can be a powerful tool to gain perspective when you return to work.
For now, I am [sad, excited, nervous] but once I start working, I think I will build up my confidence.
For now, my child isn’t sleeping through the night or on a consistent schedule, but I know this is a moment in time and will get better.
For now, I would like to ramp back up and not be fully utilized. Can we revisit my workload next week or at the end of the month?
Everything—you, your child(ren), your family, your work, the team—is ‘for now’ and subject to change.
Don’t shy from advocating for yourself.
One of the hardest things for women to do is to advocate for their needs. Stereotypically, we believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness rather than strength and we buy into the myth of SuperWoman (who coincidentally does not have a sidekick).
My advice is to shift your perspective: rather than advocating for yourself, advocate on behalf of your baby when crafting your return to work responsibilities.
Would certain time zones of clients best serve the schedule you want to maintain for your caregiving responsibilities? If you work late, you are cutting into your child’s time; ask if that is what they would want for you. Are you using tools such as delegation to your advantage to focus on the work worth doing?
Practice saying ‘What if?’
Saying ‘no’, especially at work, doesn’t feel good, but when you return to work after parental leave, saying yes may also get you into trouble. Enter ‘What If’ as a tool to negotiate on the fly to get to a comfortable middle ground.
Someone asks for a 5 p.m. meeting: What if we meet at 3, I have a hard stop at 4.
We’d like you to lead this new initiative: What if I co-lead or support my co-worker until I fully transition back by the end of the month.
We want you to take over the five projects you were working on when you went out: What if I take back three for now and we revisit my progress to add in the others?
What if is not yes or no—it is what works for me, for now, and opens the door to discussion and alignment.
What will your return to work look like? That depends on so many factors; the list is endless. Can you take control of and manage your return in coordination with your manager and colleagues? Yes!
You are not the same person who went out on leave, so your return should not look the same. You may need to explore new ways of working, new ways of responding to requests, new ways to maintain your boundaries, and new ways to support your current priorities.
